Fathers and their Children

In 2003, life changed suddenly for John Bahr.

 His active lifestyle stopped suddenly when he had a motorcycle accident in a motocross event near Sunol in May. He hit a jump wrong, landing on his head. He was transported to Scottsbluff where he was diagnosed as a quadraplegic, resulting from his injuries.He then spent 3 ½ months in rehabilitation.

"The first month was really rough," Bahr said.

His daughter Brooke was about nine or 10 when the accident happened. She essentially grew up knowing her dad was in a wheelchair.

"We weren't necessarily close," she says. "Now, we spend more time together, since we almost have to."

Growing up had its uniqueness. Part of the role of a father is to be the disciplinarian, when he needs to. The definition of discipline changes when the father is in a wheelchair.

"For me, it was hard because there was no discipline in this situation," he said.

He said he had to alternate methods to address behavior.

"Patience is a big thing," Brooke added.

One of the areas that takes more patience and planning is vacations. Earlier in life, they planned around other people. Planning also includes specific accommodations and his physical needs.

John moved to his current home in 2005, about a block from where Brooke lives. As she grew to early adulthood, she worked as a Certified Nurses Assistant, skills that would later help in taking care of her dad.

There was a time he had professional help who would assist him at home. Brooke would fill in as needed. Over time, she was doing more and the staff less until it reached the point, they agreed she should take care of him.

"We never thought it would come to this, but here we are," she said.

Finances, and ego, are two challenges John had to work through. He said the financial challenge is he wanted to provide for his children. Working has a different definition since his paralysis as well. However, he is recognized as the guy at the front desk at Western Nebraska Community College in Sidney, the one with the contagious smile.

The ego is hit for a man who was accustomed to be always active, and for needing help with the basics in life, from personal care to recreation.

"It is very, very humbling," he said. "You learn not to take things for granted."

Father Changes Expectations to Meet Sons' Needs

It might sound weird, a little self-defeating even, but sometimes the best way to write a good story is to surrender the pen, or dreams for your children.

That is what Eric and Molly Packer are learning as parents of two boys diagnosed with autism.

Eric and Molly are also store managers of the Dairy Queen locations in Sidney and Ogallala. Managing two restaurants in two cities is a handful by itself. The question that might be asked is how do they do it. How does Eric balance being a dad of three children and keep the restaurants at the service level he and his wife, and the company expect? The simple answer is priorities.

"For me, the No. 1 is family always comes first," Eric says. "If my boys need something I can provide, they come first."

They don't watch television during family time. They stay busy with activities their children enjoy. 

"We don't waste time in our day watching TV," he said.

He is aware people struggle to balance work and family life. For the Packer home, philosophically it isn't a question: family comes first. Eric starts his day early with the goal of having the afternoon for his children.

"I don't see myself as any different than any other dad," he says.

The difference, some would say, is his challenges of having two children diagnosed with autism. One is non-verbal. The struggle is against the cliches, the assumed expectations of activities between dads and their sons. Many of those may not happen.

"I would live to teach my son how to play baseball," he says.

He says baseball and other athletic activities do not quickly catch the attention of his boys.

"We (Eric and his wife Molly) come from athletic families. My kids aren't interested in that," he said.

He went on to say if he, or any dad, wants a relationship with his children, he has be involved in what interests his children.

He admits being the dad of special needs children is hard work, and stressing. He can't neglect his work, but he won't neglect his family. 

When Eric first learned about his sons' autism, it changed him. The hurt, the disappointment of not seeing his own dreams as a father resulted in anger.

"I was angry for a really long time," he said.

He recalls being angry at God, at Molly, at autism, at life in general. He quit attending church until at the urging of Molly he returned. One of the turn arounds is when in church, the talk was on Jesus and the disciples meeting a blind man on the road and Jesus was asked "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

He answered "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:2-3)

"I read that. I changed the wording so it fit me and my son," he said.

He said he thought of the hopes and dreams of fatherhood, and the disappointment in how he was viewing life.

"I felt like I was robbed," he said.

Packer calls being the father of a special needs child delicate balance.

"There is a blessing and a curse in everything."

The blessing is in learning what his sons and his daughter enjoy, and spending time with them, he is developing a bond some fathers spend their lifetime chasing. The "curse" is the other side where he desires the traditional scenes, the cliches if you will. 

"We came to the conclusion this is our life," he said of he and his wife.

They still attend games now and then, high school volleyball because of a friendship bond that developed between his son and one of the players. He said since focusing on their family and God the tensions have disappeared. They disagree at times, even argue, but they don't fight. He says they can have a grown-up disagreement, take a moment apart when needed, come back together and move on.

He said they have been residents of "autism land" for more than eight years.