Tales of a coffee-holic: The parent trap

All of you out there with children are braver folks than I.

It’s not the financial responsibility that scares me. It’s not losing all my free time or devoting a large chunk of my life to other people that makes me hesitant to start a family. The thing that really makes me nervous to create my own little human being is the prospect that I might mess up.

That would be a little different than misspelling a name in a story or forgetting to ask an important question in an interview, both things which make me cringe. It would mean that I’ve raised or am raising a person who is not well equipped to handle life on her own or is destructive to herself or others. I’m not sure how I would handle that.

No, I’m not blaming all parents out there for their miscreant teenagers’ behavior or for their grown up child who wants to play video games and drink all day. I don’t believe that nurture always outweighs nature. But I do think that parenting plays a large role in shaping who and what we are.

Despite the fact that I know of many children raised in what seemed to be loving families that turned out to be drug addicts with extreme emotional issues, I also know people who were raised by emotionally unstable drug addicts who turned out to be some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

No matter what, I think parents feel somewhat responsible for how their children turn out, even if that’s not where the blame truly lies.

The prospect of attempting to put myself, all my own worries and issues on the back burner to facilitate the growth of a small human being seems daunting. I think even the best parents fail at that sometimes. Even if you do take time for yourself away from your children to relax, there’s probably going to come a day that you’re stressed out, feeling unappreciated and you’re going to say something to your child, and force them to deal with your own adult issues.

Of course later you’ll feel terrible about it. But maybe you’ll wonder, is the damage already done? It’s probably not, but I often wonder what makes the difference between siblings raised by the same parents. How do they turn out so differently? Maybe a lot of it is just different genes that were randomly thrown in our share of genetic soup, but some of it has to be caused by our experiences.

But I don’t think parents should dwell on what they see as their mistakes, even though I fear that I would do just that. I think a big part of how we turn out is our own choice. People who have a bad childhood can learn from those experiences and turn it into something positive. Just the same kids who grew up in a loving, supportive home can chose the wrong path and end up in a dark place.

So don’t be too hard on yourselves, parents. Start your kids off right, teach them well but know that in the end their own choices are what defines them, just as your choices are what defines you.