It's Mines

“He who knows others is wise; He who knows himself is enlightened” ~ Loa Tzu.

It is an interesting thing to understand and truly know who you are, but many people go their whole life not really knowing who they are.

I say this because despite people saying the words, ‘you can only find happiness in yourself and not in someone else,’ the actual practice of this is hardly ever there – even in the speaker of these words.

I would venture to say that is where the saying of practicing what one preaches comes into play.

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression it wasn’t exactly surprising.

My sister Maria had passed away suddenly sending my world in a free fall.

I had spent the better part of the first year without her avoiding myself, trying to be strong for everyone else around me while pieces of me died inside.

Then eight months after her death I found out I was pregnant, which gave me something else to focus on besides how I felt.

But as with all things in life you can only run for so long before everything catches up with you, especially when you try running from yourself.

After months of falling down a dark pit – those of you who have been this depressed will identify – for so long I didn’t know the difference between a day with tears shed and one without them I finally broke.

Even though I tried to make my family the reason I continued forward, tried to find my happiness in them, it was only an illusion.

For a moment I just fell into what the doctors were telling me and let them dictate to me how things would go for me and who I was going to be for the rest of my life.

Anyone who knows me these days would laugh at that because even then despite thinking that is what I had to be deep down I knew it was not who I was going to be.

Then once outside of the doctor’s care, I fought the diagnosis, telling myself I was fine and they were wrong, I just needed a break to sort out some things and with time it would all just be a distant memory.

I even fooled myself into thinking I was in control of my life, even while it was still spinning out of control, because once on my own again I was back to what I knew; taking care of my family and trying to find my happiness in them.

After all, that was what I saw and was told was normal, everything you are and should be, comes from the family.

And well I was desperately trying to blend in with everyone else and be like everyone else, after all I thought if I could do that I would be normal and the doctors would be wrong.

During the day I was the perfect mother and wife, then treating myself to whatever I wanted to do once everyone else was taken care of.

And I will admit it, what I wanted to do was find some sort of peace at the bottom of a bottle, because once the kids and husband were taken care of all I had left was me and well parts of me believed I was broken never to be truly normal.

I wanted so desperately to be someone, anyone, else back then it actually hurt, but that is because I didn’t really know who I was like I do today.

I was lost, very lost and still depressed, but had been that way for so long I didn’t know any different.

Looking back I now know it was more than losing my sister and I had been that way for longer than even the doctors knew.

I have always known someone, I think it has always been my Grandpa Hankins, was looking after me but despite what I thought, my eyes were not open to how my guardian angel was helping me throughout my life.

My eyes were closed because I did not know myself and not knowing myself made it impossible to truly know the world around me.

But as my guardian always did, I was sent a series of great people into my life, many of which I am still very close to.

These people were as different as I was or as have always felt, but more over these people helped me find my faith again.

I feel without faith it is impossible to truly know one’s self, but it is not just the faith religion teaches you.

And for a time I connected with true happiness, not the illusion of happiness I found in my family, but for the first time I connected with the happiness I could find inside myself.

But unbeknown to me I still had a very long road to where I am today – and I will tell you that today I still have a long road before me.

I realized my work had only just begun because the death of my mom sent my world tumbling again in a free fall that would last for another several years.

Only this time, the work I had already done on my insides to get to know who I am kept me from “taking a break.”

Watching my mom die, and knowing for as long as I could remember I had wanted to die and would have taken her place if I could have, changed everything for me.

It changed things in a way I would only come to understand two years after she was gone.

It is here I am going to end this for now, but pick up here next week, so until next week smile much and laugh hardily ...

Contact Tina Mines at [email protected].