It's Mines

The toughest thing to do is usually the best thing for a person.

These are words I often refer to when I have a very hard decision to make, or am going through a tough time where it would be oh so easy to move backwards instead of forward.

For example, I have now been smoke free for 6 weeks and 1 day, a very, very tough thing to accomplish, especially considering this is the second time I have put this much effort into quitting.

I say that, knowing many reading this will say, ‘but you have children, didn’t you put that much effort into it when you were pregnant?’

Of course, but that was fairly effortless in many ways since I wasn’t quitting for me but for my incubating baby.

I am quitting for me.

And yes this is the second time, the first time was 2008.

I even managed to quit for three whole years before I picked them back up and started puffing away.

Of course I gave myself many ‘great reasons’ as to why I picked them up again – like there are any!

I even told myself it was okay because I was able to still work out – to Insanity – so surely my lungs weren’t that damaged.

If that wasn’t a whopper to tell myself.

But the truth of the matter was it was easier to take those 10 steps backwards and lie to myself about how it was okay, after all I had smoked for 20 years when I first quit.

Terrible I know!

In my own defense it was a gradual 10 steps backwards.

At first it started out only if I had a few beers, it actually went that way off and on the year and a half I took back up the bad habit.

And then it was only if I felt under stress – like that was a good idea!

That is when I began to smoke more.

Then it just became like home again, lighting up whenever I felt like it, feeling almost normal as I did and then secretly hating myself for doing so.

I continued to smoke from 2011 until Dec. 6, 2012, the whole time telling myself I smoked due to stress or I smoked because I was around it so much again.

But here too the truth was I smoked because I was not ready to quit again, not just yet.

Some people would ask me ‘why?’

And quite seriously, I don’t know.

It’s not like I liked the smell, or the way it made me smell, I hate the taste and feeling, more over I cringed every time I bought a pack because of the price.

Cigarettes don’t make a day better or make me smile.

They surely do not love me…

So why did I find it so hard to put them down for a whole other year and a half?

My husband would say it is because I was weak.

Maybe he is right….but I don’t think so.

I say that because it was far harder for me to know I failed at quitting than it was to quit again.

So why?

A friend of mine would say because it was just too hard.

Maybe, but here too I don’t think so, because it was far harder to live with that impulse to light up knowing I had defeated it before.

So why was it so hard to put down again?

Something I may never know the answer to, but something only I will ever be able to answer about myself – just as those of you reading this and have felt the same way will know.

What I do know is now that I have put them down – for the last time in my life – I know why I quit.

I quit because I had to show my kids I could do it again and not fail at it again.

I quit because of all the things I hated about cigarettes.

I quit because I don’t like feeling like something else controls me – I don’t even let people control me so why would I let an inanimate object control me?

I quit because I have a goal to live until I am 102 – yes I said 102.

I quit because my likelihood of developing cancer is already far greater than the average person, so why help it out?

I quit because I like smelling good.

I quit because if I am ever to have those semi-white teeth I best not yellow them up any more – okay so that is on the lesser reasons as to why I quit but it is one…

I quit because I love working out and not feeling like my lungs are on fire because I push myself.

I quit because I was ready to quit when I did and I know there will be no looking back this time.

For those of you in the same boat as me, no matter how many times you have quit, maybe it is just important to know all the reasons you quit and never the answer to why you had such a hard time putting them down - again.

At least for me this is how I will look at it – from the perspective of why I quit now and not why I didn’t before.

Contact Tina Mines at [email protected]